The Miss Universe National Costume Pageant 2024

a gift to me, from me, for you to read

A story:

Fifteen or so years ago, when I was a young lass in stockings and heels, pushing files around various Northern Virginia offices to pay my rent between comic conventions, I read a lot of blogs. It was the era of blogs, and there were so many great ones. The Toast (RIP, but

Daniel Lavery

still writes), Go Fug Yourself, Tom and Lorenzo, and more - like most full time office jobs, I had 10 actual hours of work a week and 30+ hours of waiting on people to ask me to do things, and looking busy so they wouldn’t.

After every award show, gala, or premiere, I’d log on to see who was wearing what, and send the best of the commentary to my friends, cackling. (One of my other favorites - fellow Catwoman alumnus Genevieve Valentine’s Red Carpet Rundowns - still amazing reads!) These writers all managed to teach me an amazing amount about fashion and culture while making me cackle and feel very smart. But few gala commentary ever made me laugh harder than the absolute nuttery of the Miss Universe National Costume Pageant. I’m not really a TV pageant watcher, but I was introduced to this strange yearly parade by Tom and Lorenzo, and I’m grateful to them for introducing it to my life. It’s now it’s a high point of my year.

In the spirit of the holidays, I’ll share that joy with you today.

Taylor Swift voice “FLOREDA!!!”

If you’re not familiar with the Miss Universe National Costume Pageant, imagine a school heritage day pageant with a network TV budget and a heavy dose of the male gaze. The competing women seem generally pretty creatively happy with this section - I think in the absence of a talent competition in 2024, they simply let people do…this. Put on Citizenship Drag. It’s nationalist cosplay. It’s utterly unhinged. It’s my favorite. I should show instead of tell. But before we get started -

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Okay, enough shill, back to the show!

Now, I’m not the first to comment on these costumes, and I’m sure many fine writers are taking on this years’ entrants already (and were completed in a timely fashion, say, the week of the actual pageant and not weeks later, on November 30th when I was reminded of it by this award for Miss Philippines) but I’m not that girl. I’m the only me I can be.

And I hope this goes without saying, but this is the internet so I’ll say it - these women are all stunners who have worked super hard, in ways that many people don’t consider ‘work,’ to get to that stage. They’re representing cultures and countries that, in many cases, don’t often get a voice on the world stage. They’re super proud, and they should be! So at no point are we gonna pick on the women’s bodies, their intellect, or their cultural choices. This is about that universal, beautiful intersection of high camp and bad taste brought to you by the very specific intersection of gay stylists and the completely outdated mores of broadcast TV.

Shall we? Let’s start with some familiar faces for most of my readers - like the good ol’

USA

Oh! Uh…wow!

The ribbon application on that leotard is gonna give me nightmares. When I was nine I was cast as the Cheshire Cat in my school production of The Trial of Alice in Wonderland and we tried to apply the stripes to my purple sweatsuit with pink ribbon, and it looked like this. The prospect of going onstage at Franklin Sherman Elementary in that was so horrifying, I remember the physical anxiety spike it caused. (The body, she keeps the score.) So we painted them on, and they didn’t look perfect, but it was better than this.

The reasons I’m zoomed in on the details is because when I zoom out it’s all Leg Avenue Uncle Sam, and I hate that so much I’m looking into alternative citizenship (well, maybe other reasons too.) The coat is pretty but is fully purple in the light, and that hat is pure Party City. The fireworks are cute, but still extremely elementary-school-bulletin-board.

But let’s not just be rude to my own home, I’ve spent some time across the pond this year, and according to my metrics I have plenty of fans from —

GREAT BRITAIN

So…I like, just got back from there, and I don’t know, guys. Despite being at Thought Bubble, I didn’t see a single Groot cosplayer, so it’s a weird national costume choice. Apparently it’s in honor of their “121 million Oak Trees.” Okay. Last year Miss GB was the literal fucking dictionary, so this is an improvement.

See? See how absurd these costumes are? That’s just the start. Strap in.

If you’re a regular watcher of the pageants, you might notice that there are a few popular recurring themes. In lieu of going through each and every nation, I’ll pick some of the most popular categories for inspiration, and we’ll address those by category until shit gets simply, too weird.

CATEGORY 1: BIRDS

It’s an easy choice. I think most countries have some sort of national bird, and in a post-Victoria’s Secret Angels world, a bird is a good pick for a pageant runway costume. Wings, feathers, bright colors, it’s an easy win for a gay stylist who doesn’t want to get too drag and a hot girl who doesn’t want to look too weird.

ARGENTINA

And then sometimes a girl puts a toucan on her head. I’m not sure what she is from the neck down. The sky? I don’t love this one - it’s literal in all the worst ways. I feel like she’s not even the bird. That toucan could be perched on anything - it just happens to be footlessly nestled atop a lovely lady. Not my fave.

ZIMBABWE

This one is really good, however, The colors, the iridescence, the dripping beads and the headpiece are all giving Yoshitaka Amano Final Fantasy art in the best way. She might not even be a bird. She might be a Guardian Force summoned into combat by another contestant.

BIRDS, SUBTYPE: OWL

MYANMAR

This was in the standard bird section, but I looked it up and she says she’s an owl. I like this, I like that she could walk around in it, like spending a day at a festival. Or a Disney park, as a Disneybound of…something. I don’t know, I’m not a Disney adult, I go there to take edibles and eat themed food like a normal childless person in Los Angeles.

ARUBA

I feel more aligned with this concept of “owl.” I like the head shape, the eyes, the big shoulders, and her looking fierce amidst it all. The big red heart in the center is a cool choice, too, as are the highlighter yellow irises. A good contrast of freaky and gorgeous. Cat Show judge voice: “This is my best owl of the day.”

BOLIVIA

I don’t hate this, especially the huge back piece, but she’s also carrying an owl and has got an owl on her chest, so it reads a little bit like those Halloween costumes for kids where they also put the character they’re portraying on the front of the dress and on the matching wand they’re holding. Like as if Princess Jasmine wears her face on her dress. Get real.

Anyway, she looks great.

CATEGORY 2: BADDIE ARMY

Another popular category is what I like to call Baddie Army, basically like the music video version of what you’d wear if you were fighting for your country. Like those video games where you collect cutesy versions of historical figures to fight via cards or whatever. Imagine the cliche elevated version of what people in your country might wear to fight something, and then make it into a sexy girl outfit. I can’t lie, most of them rule:

MONGOLIA

Mongolia is, for perhaps obvious reasons, the lead general in the Baddie Army every year. Miss Mongolia always does something like this, and always looks incredibly natural in it, like she had this in her closet and was happy to get another wear out of it off the battlefield.

Miss Kyrgyzstan seems upset none of these bitches came out on the catwalk to fight her like she was promised. That’s a chain weapon she’s holding, if you didn’t notice. And a…piece of the set from a community theatre production of Game of Thrones on her back? Whatever, it’s working. She brought her own photo backdrop to a fight where she expects you to die. The energy is there.

MALTA

This is pure 2010’s ATLUS Games cuteness. She’s giving Disgaea Mage.

Note: if this is the second of my Playstation-Two-era gaming references you’ve understood and you’re still here reading about pageant costumes, welcome! You’ve found your people. Please like and subscribe.

BIRDS, SUBTYPE: “OF WAR”

In case you’re confused, this is a fusion of BIRDS and BADDIE ARMY where a bunch of women come as….fighters who are also birds. If you haven’t noticed, the cultural dominance of the Victoria Secret Angels fashion show cannot be overstated. The desire to wear wings and a bikini has gone absolutely global.

Tweet tweet, don’t look at Estonia’s feet -

ESTONIA

It is normal for the human mind to invent soothing narratives, when distressed. Unchecked, this urge can lead to conspiracy theories and solipsism. But for a moment, let us allow the comforting urge. Let us craft a narrative wherein she had matching shoes but she forgot them, and a PA had to run to Adam & Eve and pick up a pair of Sexy Gogo Girl Boots for $49.99. They’ll fall apart if it rains on that stage. Bless. She looks great from the knees up.

SERBIA

Ohhhh this bangs. It’s so good. The eagles make a great case for wearing wings without being a bird, I’ll buy it. The eagles + what I thought were an Iron Cross were giving a little….fasc-hion, if you get my drift, but some research tells me it’s a Maltese Cross, like the one Miss Malta is carrying, and instead we can focus on the second contestant carrying what looks like taxidermy (see also: Miss Bolivia’s Owl.)

HUNGARY

The Bird Baddie Army needs their Little Drummer Boy, I guess, thank you Hungary. Very festive of you. Those wings are not great and you look like you forgot something, but you and Miss Myanmar will be able to walk around Pixar Pier together just fine.

INDIA

Incredible. Thanagarian couture. If there was a jetpack in this I would not blink. There’s something to really be said for the national costumes that are just huge. Terrifying. Like a female insect, gleefully several orders of magnitude larger than her scuttling mate. Slay. Make them scuttle, queen, let your carapace shimmer.

CATEGORY 3 - INANIMATE OBJECTS (SUBTYPE: FUN)

CHILE

Miss Chile came as the set of Sabado Gigante which whips ass. No notes. The skirt lining as the crowd? That’s so clever! I bet that wheel spins. This rules. Look at how much fun she’s having. Her makeup is so TV-ready.

JAMAICA

She came as a tribute to Jamaican dancehall music, complete with fake speakers. I love all of this, including the embrace of a wig in a color I’ve never seen on the Miss Universe stage before. That smile could sell even that ugly Miss Hungary Drummer Boy outfit, but thankfully this is super cute and well balanced. The more I look at it the more it’s one of my favorites. She could have worn this out to a party right after in the best way. 10/10.

CANADA

Feels wrong to call the literal night sky ‘inanimate’ but she’s perfect - Northern Lights and all. There’s video of this, and she’s like a force of nature drifting across that stage. One of the best ones. Fun fact: Miss Canada Ashley Callingbull is also the first woman of First Nations heritage to represent Canada at the pageant. (This fact makes me narrow my eyes at some of the previous year’s Canada outfits, which feel..uncomfortably costumey upon learning that they weren’t worn by Indigenous women…but that’s none of my business…)

CZECH REPUBLIC

She’s gingerbread cookies! Not only is this clever and very fashion with the details and head crown, she is walking it like it’s Dior. Look at that face! The shoes suck, actually, now that I’m getting a look at them but the rest of this is fantastic and pretty and fun. I love cookies. And I love that face. I love a model with a cookie dress and a platinum face card. Let’s pretend her original shoes were destroyed in the same tragedy that befell Miss Estonia, and her choices were also limited to Local Adult Store.

INANIMATE OBJECTS (SUBTYPE: BORING)

ITALY

If you told me to put together a gorgeous outfit based on the history of Italian cinema and I went with Oscars Season Bulletin Board instead of Sofia Loren, I’d want you to have my head examined, preferably somewhere warm on the Italian coast. I guess it could be a lot worse, the styling isn’t bad, but the film strip skirt…ugh.

NETHERLANDS

She’s…she’s a plate? She’s dishware? She’s attempting to make a circle with some sort of trick skirt and handles, and it’s not happening. Just drop the skirt, this would look so much better and it would still read that you’re a…gravy boat, or whatever.

NICARAGUA

ECUADOR

They’re buildings. They’re beautiful women, and I’m sure they’re beautiful buildings. The costumes even look incredibly made, and I don’t have a lot of negativity here. I just can’t ever look at a costume of a building or structure that’s supposed to include a human woman wearer and not think:

NOW FOR SOME EXTREMELY HOT WOMEN!

Let’s relax. This category is just there for the ladies that nailed the assignment and look perfect. Let’s just sit back and enjoy. Please clap.

SPAIN

TRINIDAD AND TOBAGO

PERU

CUBA

DOMINICAN REPUBLIC

DENMARK

And lastly, the well-deserved winner of the National Costume contest, announced on 11/30 -

PHILIPPINES

And that’s how it’s done.

Okay that’s enough, put your tongues back in your mouths, you freaks, these women are activists and philanthropists! (“Tini, it’s your post.”) (Sh.)

Wait, wait, wait. Sorry, there’s one more I have to talk about. She doesn’t really fit into any category, and I’m not even sure what she’s dressed as. But god, we love a weird girl.

We forgot to talk about…

BULGARIA

Oh, this is fully insane. Am I…in love? The rose-hawk? The morningstar-shaped chest piece? The floating anime-style epaulettes? The enormous visible woman tattoo partially visible through her dance tights? The drooling blood on the fucking stage?!

Of course, I have notes. What I thought was a bodysuit with shit glued to it (which, as Michelle Visage tells us, is always infuriating) appears to actually be worse - a pair of high waisted shorts and a bra of a different material — with shit glued to it. That is kind of a crime. But it’s possible that this was her idea, and none of the gay stylists trying to get booked on Dancing with the Stars would touch it with a ten foot pole. But that is just more narrative, meant to give me joy in a mad, mad world. Ultimately, the intent and weirdness here shines through, and so she gets my highest, weirdest marks.

You stay weird too, talk soon -

- TH 12.10.24 17:06

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