5. you are (not) the problem

just because something talks like it's right doesn't mean that it is.

“have the tweets stopped screaming, clarice?”

Hey there. I had a busy couple of weeks there where I kept sitting down to write things for you all, but nothing...felt good enough. (That’s a bit raw, isn’t it? Let’s talk about it.) 

I’m not sure why any of us listen to our anxiety. I know we have some sort of biological response that tells us to listen when tigers growl at us in the dark, or whatever, but I’m not talking about that - I’m not sure why we listen to anxiety. You know what I mean. The ‘am I good enough’ kind. The ‘do you hate me’ kind. It strikes me as an absolutely pointless waste of my own time - yet I do it anyway.

Once upon a time, I gave my anxiety an actual voice. About 15 years ago (therapy takes time, kids) I told my therapist that the best analogy I had for my anxiety was Hannibal Lecter. As in, Anthony Hopkins in a straight jacket. We didn’t yet have that sexy show (that I still haven’t finished) and as such, my metaphor comes from the OG Silence of the Lambs. 

“agent howard. here to discuss your most recent reviews?”

If you’ve not seen Silence of the Lambs, Hannibal Lecter is not the ‘lotion in the basket’ active killer guy, he’s the other guy. The caught guy, who sits in prison and gives Agent Clarice Starling - only Clarice, only her - advice on how to catch other killers. And this is a story, so of course -- he’s the most insightful person ever. Even when he gives Starling a clue to something that later turns out to be wrong, it’s right in some other way - about her, about the nature of humanity, etc. He lives in a very dark basement prison behind lots of very thick glass, because he is a certifiably insane murder man. But god damn if he isn’t always right. 

That was the voice of my anxiety. Luring me with the promise of specialness into believing its lies. “I’ll tell you and no one else the truth,” it says in a dark voice when we’re alone in the basement. My anxiety, Doctor Lecter, says, “I know no one really likes you - it’s alright. You’re not smart enough to see it, yet, but you will be. But I’m smart enough - so I’m protecting you.”

But honestly? I wouldn’t even be hearing his voice if I wasn’t in the basement of my mind in the first place. Because ultimately -- he’s still in prison. He can’t talk to Starling unless she walks down there into that basement and asks him, lets him into her thoughts. She asks for his opinion because she trusts his mind more than her own. But I think, even if she’d never gone into that basement? She probably still could’ve caught Buffalo Bill all by herself. 

So maybe I ought to just stay out of the basement. 

NEW BUSINESS

Did you attend the Hellfire Gala? Or just snap pics from the side of the green carpet?

I’m beyond thrilled at all of the beautiful cosplay I’ve seen - some of you know that cosplay was what drew me to conventions before wanting to make comics did.

I’d be here all day posting every great outfit I saw, so I’ll instead draw attention to one group who blew me away. (And I’m not just playing favorites because of that Hellfire Monet look…or maybe I am.) The Usual Rangers on Instagram just SLAYED the CATEGORY if you ask me, so go follow them and show some love - there are TONS of great photos at the link:

The Usual Rangers

We’ve got two weeks or so til any more X-MEN MAGIC from me, but July 14th will be a twofer with EXCALIBUR 22 and X-CORP 3.

EXCALIBUR 22 is a return to Otherworld to see what’s been up there while the Captain was away. X-CORP 3 contends with the fallout of the Hellfire Gala and X-CORP’s big debut through the eyes of one of my favorite mutants - Jamie Madrox, the Multiple Man.

CALL TO ACTION

No big homework this week, we got pretty heavy up top. You can talk to me about it in the comments, if you want. Does your anxiety have a weird movie character voice, too?

POTPOURRI

• I’m part of the BRINK Literacy Project’s incredible LITERARY TAROT Kickstarter, which has 48 hours left to go. I got to choose a classic story and a tarot card and put them together for a BEAUTIFUL new deck where all the proceeds go to supporting the Literacy Project’s incredible mission. Also? A bunch of my X of SWORDS homies (like Ben Percy, Vita Ayala, and Jonathan Hickman) all showed up to pick a card and play along. A great cause, and a great deck.

  Okay, I’m gonna go drink iced espresso by the pool now. Ciao, loves.

  Stay weird. Stay PROUD. 🏳️‍🌈Look out for each other. Talk soon.

  TH

  03:10 06.28.21